Scene from a typical sixth grade classroom in Peoria

(Fade in with dramatic music.)

Teacher: Class, what do we call the man who heads the government here in Illinois? Conner?
Conner: We call him the Governor, Mrs. Lincoln-Grant!
Teacher: That's right! And what does the Governor of Illinois do? Dakota?
Dakota: He goes to jail!

(Fade to black, I walk into the scene.)

Brett: Hi, I'm Brett from Brettsconstitution, and I'd like to talk to you about a very serious problem. You see, tens of thousands of Illinois children grow up thinking it's natural for governors to go to prison. It breaks your heart to look into their beautiful faces and see a sense of hopelessness, knowing that the man who they should be looking up to today will be making their mom and dad's license plates tomorrow.

That's why I'm proud to be spokesman for the Foundation Advocating Reduced Tenure for Illinois Nefarious Governors--FARTING. We at FARTING pledge to educate every Illinoisan--from Galena to Golconda, from Elgin to Effingham--so they understand that it simply isn't normal for your top state official to go directly from the State House to the Big House. We promise that we will make certain every last citizen in the Prairie State learns that outside of Illinois, mostly what governors do is what the Good Lord intended--they cut ribbons to open highways and make bets with rival state governors on college football games.

Now naturally, this kind of work takes a great deal of time and resources. Won't you help us at FARTING as we undertake our dedicated and significant mission? Remember, those kids in Illinois are counting on you. Please give generously to FARTING. You can make a pledge at our website http://www.landoflincolnandcorruption.org/. Or call us at 217-782-0244.

Thank you, and God bless.

(End spot.)